April's Fool... (04/19)

Trapped Energy.

According to Dr. Nelson, when you feel an emotion, what you're really sensing is the vibration of a particular energy. Each emotion has it's own vibratory signature, and when intense emotions are felt, (much like a ball of energy) they can become lodged almost anywhere in your body which can then cause disruptions in your energy system that also affects your physical system..

Your body is both biochemical and biophysical, so any disruptions in your field of energy will eventually result in physical dysfunction.

For example, people who suffer from depression or live in a 'state of emergency' will most likely experience chest pains, even when there's nothing physically wrong with their heart. Did you know, that the saying 'he/she died of a broken heart' stemmed from the fact that in the days after losing a loved one, your chances of experiencing a heart attack increases by twenty one times!

The emotions in association with living in a state of emergency are anger, hatred, aggression, prejudice, anxiety, insecurity and hopelessness. All of these emotions in collaboration with any other negative states are what happens when you are chronically stressed. Now that you are aware of them, I invite you to consciously analyse the next time you feel this way. These emotions, although considered to be a part of our reality are like food that feeds the energetic chaos which manifest themselves into physical pain and diseases. We think we have to dig really deep to know what our subconscious is saying to us, but in reality, our subconscious is speaking to us very clearly, almost screaming at us. All you have to do is listen to what your body is telling you.

Imagine your mind and body as if they were lovers. Two completely different beings joining together as one and through their collaboration they become that 'power couple' that you look up to. Your mind, often in a world of it's own, knows it cannot experience a full life without your body. Your body on the other hand, knows it cannot function without your mind. Your body cannot tell the difference between an actual experience that triggers an emotional response, or if it's just an emotion fabricated through your thought process alone. Therefore, your body is controlled by your mind (your thoughts), which is then controlled by your higher self who is very much capable of healing your body through thoughts that you manifest towards yourself. In other words, you can aid or degenerate your health by overthinking.

If your subconscious mind is 1,000 times more powerful than your conscious mind, what do you think controls it?

I didn't submit March's blog in March because I was suppressed by my own fears. I was suffering with aches and pains all over my body and I ignored it, purely focusing on the things that I needed to do, but didn't for whatever reason. April loved me harshly into a new perspective.

Here is some real truth for you. Since my mother had gone back home to where I was born, I was preparing to leave my family's home also; the only real home I knew here in England. My siblings had all moved on with their lives and I was anticipating my turn. However, the house that we created an abundance of memories in was now lonely and neglected. Three stories tall and four bedrooms, with just me and my son left, the house was obviously too big for us. I knew in my heart that another family needed this space, but I just didn't want to let go. I wanted more time to say goodbye without feeling rushed, but the longer I stayed, the less help I'd receive to pay the rent. I remember some nights I would stay there by myself surrounded by walls that echoed my sadness. I'd buy my parents favourite drink, Appleton rum and coke, and I'd blast the music really loud and danced as I revelled in the energy of my emotions. After that energy was released, I brought the hammer out. I didn't have an alternative home to go to as yet, so what I couldn't fit into the storage that I was paying for, I broke into pieces to take to the recycling tip. I lost myself in that aggression. Room after room, if there was anything in there to break, I broke it. The hammer itself broke at one point, so I went downstairs into the basement where we had three rooms. One room was the 'bar area' which I had designed and dad built to surprise me one day on my return from college.

The second room was for dancing where dad's built in speakers lived (even though we didn't use them for long because technology grows too quickly and my cousin had a better system, lol!) But they served as really handy table tops at parties! The third room, much smaller, was dad's tool storage. A lot of his tools were sent back to him in Guyana, but luckily I found an axe. Perfect! I returned upstairs and continued dismantling built up memories with force. Exhausted both physically and emotionally I fell asleep in my bedroom in the attic. That was the only room on the third floor so it was quite spacious, and emptied... now waiting to be filled with new memories from a new family.

It was the 9th of November 2018. The keys to the house needed to be returned. I sulked. I remember exiting the front door for the last time and as I turned the keys my heart sank. 'This is it' I thought. I stood there until I realised how weird I looked, so I stepped back inside to gather my thoughts of my time spent there for one last time. The lights were off, but I saw them on as I heard mum in the kitchen making my favourite soup with chicken, yam, dumpling and vegetables that dad was growing in the garden, alongside pretty much every other edible organically produced thing that was available. We called it 'The Magic Pot'. My mouth is watering just thinking of this homemade delight! As I looked up to witness the now empty corridors, I heard our laughter's from inside the kitchen where we'd all meet and talked about every and anything. I sensed Dad's presence in his room where he hibernated most of the time until we lured him out for a drink, or with music, or something to do with his mini farm in the back garden... The kids being too loud in the living room, the music coming from the basement where me and my brother created our little 'home studio'. That was our escape, but also where we fought. I chuckled at the memory of us getting into a really heated argument and I kicked through the basement glass door to get at him. Dad was not impressed! But he did re-build a wooden version that looked pretty good and Lavern proof!

I shouldn't cry, I told myself, this is just the ending of one chapter leading into a new beginning...but my tears wouldn't listen; story of my life!

So March had ended... and I was still homeless, in terms of not having my own home. I stayed at my sister's home, which was beautiful, I can't deny that. She did what she could to make me feel at home also, but truthfully speaking, I didn't. My own space was non-existent. I made a commitment to write these intro chapters of my blog and I couldn't bring myself to stay focused on what it was that I wanted to do. Some days, I had it all together, feeling so gloriously positive, and some days I felt like Shrek. I wanted to be away from everyone, but I couldn't because I had responsibilities. I wanted to socialise, but at the same time I felt lonely when I was with others. Inside, I was completely disconnected, like a robot. That dawned on me at the end of March, following me into April, something needed to change, and soon!

My Spirituality was tried and tested. How does one move on in a state of depression? Simple, ignore it... for now. This is what I told myself. I didn't have the answers at that time, so I'll keep on moving and see what else comes my way to put things into perspective. Little did I take into consideration that everything that I was trying to ignore wasn't helping me. I still felt busy doing nothing all of the time, to the point where my frustration was overbearing, so I snapped when I didn't mean to and segregated myself in thought. Everything seemed unsettled so I felt uneasy and drained because I wasn't doing anything for me, and that made me unhappy.

Then to top it all off, my car had decided life isn't worth driving too! Honestly speaking, I'm someone that knows almost nothing about anything mechanical. Then one day, my car had just enough and started screaming at me. I mean literally! I pulled up to the traffic lights and heads turned, not because I'm driving a flashy money-bank on wheels, but because of the screech that accompanied the roar in my engine. People's neck sprang around to look at what sounded like a McLaren P1 only to be disappointed at the sight of a turtle back (figuratively speaking!). I just kept my head straight, focusing so hard on the lights to block out any other thoughts. The lights turned green after what felt like a year later as a lady was still crossing the road. All I did, was get ready to move when she had finally crossed, but as soon as my foot touched the accelerator, the vroom made the poor woman run the rest of the way in fright. I laughed instantly, but only because I actually felt really bad; I covered my mouth embarrassed, but she looked really embarrassed too so I drove off quickly to save us both from further looks of humiliation. The drivers next to me pitied us both I'm sure, so I chitty-chitty-bang-banged ahead of them too. They caught up and passed me in no time of course, but that was fine; they won't see me again. That was the final straw, I reached my destination and parked it. How heavy my heart felt!

After swallowing a huge amount of sour pride, the next day I picked up the phone to call a friend of mine who I knew would be my last hope. My ego didn't want him to feel obliged to help me, but I needed some kind of advice, and let's be real, I was desperate at this moment. I was scared to even start my engine at this point, but something had to be done.

After speaking to him, he showed up with a mechanic to view my car within the hour. Half of my tension was gone; dramatically, instantly. Although that moment didn't last long as I battled a silent inner attack of anxiety over the price! 'One step at a time Lala' I tried to tell myself, genuinely hoping non of the men would see the pressure trying to sneak out on my forehead in water bubbles. I knew how much work needed to be done and I also knew I didn't have the amount of money I was supposed to have for it, because of the recent quotes. In fact, I only had half of the money I was told I needed; which was exactly the amount the young man charged me; without me even trying to negotiate!

I could have cried in that moment, but surprisingly I didn't. I must be getting emotionally stronger with this new me. I cried when I got back to my room instead. Ha.

I was so grateful.

Moral of the story; find a good friend, or get a better job! I'm kidding. The moral of that story is to have faith. Non of them knew how much money I had until this day, but God did, and he got the job done for me at the price that was convenient for me. Have Faith! The universe has your back!

Not long after that, I eventually got a call from a housing association that immediately sparked my light. I was being offered a home! It was off the books, just an opportunity that came up that my housing adviser thought she'd run by me first. It was a bungalow. I was intrigued when she mentioned that, not excited, but intrigued. Then she said, 'But I have to tell you, it doesn't have a bath, just a shower'. Right away a million thoughts rushed through my head! I imagined myself moving into my new home and finally being able to relax. I'd run a lovely bubble bath with my candles lit once Naz was in bed and I'd soak in the glorious moment of that time. She just completely ruined my whole vision and that disappointed me, tremendously! So with all respect and regret, I had to decline. I told myself that I didn't go through all of what I went through, to settle for something that I know I'd be unhappy with in the near future, that is just not me. I'm in the position to set myself up for achievements, not failure, or unnecessary prolonged stress because I tolerated where I called home. I've experienced that feeling already, there's no reason to experience it again. I wanted potential, I certainly wasn't expecting a mansion or anything, but surely, a bath at least! I have a son for crying out loud, bubble baths are fun for kids and he loves it. Anyway, that knocked my hopes a little, but I still felt like I was getting one step closer to where I wanted to be.

On the 12th of April, I received another phone call, it wasn't permanent, but I was offered somewhere else to lived until I found 'my home'. The only catch was, I couldn't view it until I did all the paperwork and received the keys. This property is a two bedroom apartment-with a bath.

Fast Forward.

I'm now where I need to be. My own space, with my boy making our own choices on how we want to live. It's almost surreal. I'm sitting here in my own living room, writing this blog feeling nothing but gratitude to the woman that I am becoming. Now I can unravel my suppressed emotions so that I can deal with them, one step at a time.

Over this journey so far, four months into the year, I've achieved more than I've acknowledged. My mind was so caught up in my feelings that I didn't take the moment needed to face reality for what it is, and be grateful for every moment that I experienced. Now I can look back and observe what I've done and learn from it. When times get tough, I just need to take a step back and literally breath. Being conscious of the breath you take in a moment of turbulence gives you a sense of acceptance and gratitude to where you are presently. I'd get irrational when I don't accept that, as I think a lot of us do.

I'm now aware of the tensions in my body and I question it. I'm aware of my repetitive thoughts and no, I've not conquered that part as yet, but I'm beginning to accept it. What are they trying to tell me? What have I not learnt as yet.

The more knowledge I acquired for myself about myself has unexpectedly lead me into researching science and spirituality. I couldn't combine the two, however, with a more in-depth understanding of both, I'm leading myself into a direction to find the right answers for me, which will lead me to the destination that I was destined to reach, whatever that may be.

April's Fool was me at the beginning of the month. I guess I was a fool for not grasping the power of my intentions. I do get what I want, every single time. You probably do too, you just haven't thought about it. It's just unfortunate that sometimes, I focus on what I don't want, oblivious to the fact that I'm putting that energy out there to come toward me also. Remember fear is an emotion, so if you're bottling that up, the universe has a way of letting things happen repeatedly if necessary, until you've acknowledged that emotion and beat it. Everything that we encounter in this life comes with an achievement. This boils down to the smallest things like the people you meet, the places you go, the energy of your everyday environment and the things that you choose to observe. This is why it is so important to focus on the things that you do want. If it didn't happen, it just wasn't the right time, or perhaps you wanted something that was not meant for you because you didn't learn what you needed to learn from previous experiences. Either way, you will come to that conclusion yourself on your own journey to discovering who you are. The Marathon continues, because our journey still exist. Your path continues from the very moment that you wake and are conscious to make your next decision. This is the beauty of having a choice. No matter what, we always have a choice. I pray you make the right ones for you to continue manifesting your own version of greatness. Just don't forget, when there is a big decision to make, and you're not sure which direction to go in. Think about the little choices that you've made that led to your current circumstance. The little choices my be smaller, but they are consistent, and consistency is what builds a strong foundation.

I love you all, and I pray you each find your individuality without needing assurance from anyone else about who you are supposed to be.

Love and Light to you all,


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