I want to talk about doubt, and the power that it can have over you without the consent of your higher self.
I've come to a personal understanding that doubt is fear, wrapped up in a more conservative looking box in your brain. When you're doubting yourself, you're also doubting real possibilities. The thing with possibilities is that it is uncertain because it has not yet happened; yet it is possible. Think about it, why would you doubt what you know is possible? If it is possible then there is an equation you need to figure out on how to manifest that possibility into your reality. People only doubt themselves when they didn't go all the way with feeding their knowledge on what is needed to be known. Having doubt can intensify your fear so strongly that it leaves you with insecurities lessening your faith and belief in yourself. You're reading my words to hear my opinion, you don't have to agree. At this point, I don't care if you are religious, non-religious, a vegan, pescatarian, vegetarian or whatever it is that floats your boat. Just know, that if you keep on looking ahead but not really seeing ahead because your mind is too much filled with doubt, know that one day I will be looking back, reflecting on a journey that I saw myself on once, whilst I'm looking at you.
I want us all to grow together, but I know realistically that wont happen because not everyone is on the same frequency of thought. I have faith that one day we will all get there, but I know that it won't all be at the same time. A hare may beat a tortoise on a journey, but they were headed towards the same destination. The question is, was it a race? Or was it two different cultures of animal species following the same path at their own pace, each winning in their own right..
At the beginning of March, I felt so lifted. Not because I was in a naturally lifted mood, but I urged myself to be lifted in my thoughts during a time that I felt was one of the most difficult periods of my life. Sometimes what you feel is the hardest thing to do, is actually the best growing time for you. Transition isn't easy, but it is worth it! Choices, you always have one. And when you feel like you don't, exercise your patience until your choice becomes clear for you. You will learn.
Living in the present without denying my past, as well as moving forward into prosperity as I am now is what makes me organic.
I'm learning how to respond intelligently and unemotionally to emotional treatment.
I humbly approach life with recollection of a particular past that some may define me by. I don't intend to condescend or obstruct your thoughts with manipulation to like, or pity me. I believe I have a birth right to blossom into someone that is unbreakable. We all do.
"A man who wishes to be unhappy finds many ways to prove his course."
Let this resonate with you for a moment before you decide to read on...
For March I did a photo-shoot in relation to my blog to show the growth and confidence that blossomed within me. This was a photo shoot that I knew would challenge me to begin with because of implied nudity. I wanted to represent something bare and organic. Like a seed being planted to grow into a tree before it blossoms. It literally represents me re-writing my life's script, starting fresh with a new beginning. In the morning when I get out of bed... what are my intentions before I face my day? How do I see myself. I've reflected on who I was and I understand that the journey I've been on was meant to lead me where I am today. I felt in charge, yet unintentionally innocent at the same time with excitement and nervousness. I was apprehensive, but not towards the thought of what others might think of me, but what will I make of myself at the end of this? Will I feel proud? Will I feel like I've accomplished something? What was my purpose for this? I jumped into the deep end with this shoot, not realising how many questions it would leave me with about my self esteem afterwards. Is this something I really wanted to do? And how am I expressing myself through this? What is my intention?
March didn't give me the answers to these questions, so I delayed my post. I won't rush something that I feel doesn't sit right with me. Was I over thinking? What if my body doesn't look right? what if I'm not sexy enough or I just become an attention seeking blogger? If I don't understand my purpose, then I don't expect anyone else to.
After much reflection and days that didn't suit me emotionally, I decided that this is what I've learnt from the month of March. I covered myself in a belief that once I got started on a self discovery journey, that is it. My discovery would enlighten me each day I would get better and better at manifesting greatness for myself. I would find peace in no time! I was wrong. Yes, I did learn that loving myself first would be the first step towards me building a relationship with someone else. However, after so many years of not loving myself, I don't know why I expected it to just happen as soon as I became aware of my lack of self love. In fact, I gave myself months, and a lot of time and effort to tell myself how much I loved me. I even tried to imagine what people do when they loved themselves. Without realising it I unwittingly started to imitate what I thought was love for one self, until something didn't go well for me and I crashed right back into my old habits; self doubt, criticism, neglect and substance abuse. I couldn't count the amount of days that I drank myself to sleep once I knew my son was in bed sleeping. Some days I felt like I was trying my best, and yet things are were still not working out for me. It's draining! And every single day I had to get back up and try again and again. That is the choice I chose as I made a vow to support another life that I mothered into this world.
Sometimes I felt lost because my mother isn't here with me physically, so what do I do when I feel like I don't know how to keep up the mothering strength all of the time? How did she do it with seven of us?! Children are so demanding and completely oblivious to the sacrifices and troubles that you face on an average day. I hate that I'd find my son scrutinising my facial expressions whilst I was unaware of his silent glare towards me. Once caught out he'd ask, 'Mum, are you okay?'. His big brown eyes filled with hope and genuine care.
I'd say 'Yes, why?' I was almost annoyed that he saw through my expression. I'd quickly realised where my inner thoughts were and I'd snap back into reality. I must have subconsciously dozed off somewhere in my head whilst I was awake. I few weeks ago, he asked me the same question and I responded with my usual answer.
This time he said, 'is it because you miss granny?'
A bubble of air materialised in my throat and I couldn't speak, so I nodded my head at the same time trying not to make my eyes glisten with any sign of tears... he notices these things. He came to me and gave me a hug, 'I miss her too'.
That feeling of being a failure didn't reach me, but I felt close to it. I just needed some more time to get things right. I felt motivated again, so I buried the thoughts of yearning for anyone's embrace; especially my mother's. I'm thankful for the times that she did hug me, even when it was for 'no reason'. At least I can reflect, learn from the best of her love and move on. Her soul has already touched mine, I just needed to become stronger.
One day I was on my way out of work and I was running a little late to get my son and nephew from school. I was at a roundabout where I encountered an altercation with two men in a car behind me. They were not from the same culture as me and I'm highlighting this fact for a reason... The driver was angry that I pulled out in front of him at the roundabout (even though a van had taken a right turn directly in front of him first, So he wasn't even behind me until the van left the mini roundabout). The lights were on red, so everyone was driving at 3 mph! He wasn't even in the same lane as me or headed in the same direction; he was turning right at the lights and I was going left. Yet still this man pulled up beside me with his friend in the car to intimidate me. I was not in the mood for that kind of bullshit on that day, so I returned words that were not kind. His passenger kept his head straight ahead, but the driver was adamant to hurt my feelings. By now, a scene was being created. As the lights went on green and we both started to drive off, he shouted at me 'You black bitch!'. I laughed, until anger raised in me like a volcano. I shouted profanities back without touching on anything racist. But he wasn't happy with that, he continued to called me all sorts of nigger this, and nigger that. The further he drove, it seemed the more confident he became with his outburst towards me.
I can honestly say that I've never experience racism first hand in this way. That shit hurt. Not in the way I thought it would though. I am proud of the the melanin that is in me. I couldn't care less what they thought about my complexion. I was hurt because I felt defenceless. I'm a fighter, but I'm not stupid. Here I am in my work uniform, on my way to pick my child up from school, and I am forced to compose myself every step of the way on my personal journey. Yes there are some days that I just want to lose my shit. Go to the top of a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs so that I don't hurt anyone else instead. These two men were trying to humiliate me with what they thought my insecurities were. If there is one thing that I am not insecure about, know that it's my complexion! I couldn't help but wish I had a baseball bat in my boot to play ball with their heads but I was not about to lose my job by getting into a fight over road rage in front of work! Secondly, there are two men and one of me, that is embarrassing as it is! And lastly, the argument didn't stem from something that I did wrong, it was merely because I am darker than they are, and that upset him. In that moment I should have realise that, but the thought of clobbering their heads together shook me. I felt so disappointed and disgusted to the point of tears; only to have to compose myself and not be angry at everyone that I saw for the rest of the evening because of some grown men's insecurities.
I expected the month of March to be significant. I expected to explore something new and contemporary, tolerably painful, yet euphoric. I anticipated these emotions because of my recent revelations. I knew the result of my spontaneous curiosity would dictate what happened next, and that feeling governed my excitement with a 'want' to know, and a 'need' to succeed. So far, I've succeeded at abolishing my innate belief that everything I feel is real-to some degree.
There was something in the pit of my stomach that felt like it was on fire. Whatever it was, I felt the burn of it spread through me. After two months of facing emotional provocation reflecting, my enthusiasm to lighten burdened thoughts had heightened. I needed to release but something was still holding me back. I knew I hadn't yet conquered every conflict or obstacle that had confined me to a dysphoria mentality, but I knew it was just as important to let time do it's part in healing. In the mean time, the show must go on! This month through extending my creativity, I planned to create my own opportunities.
I've had the privilege to collaborate with Joseph, who was my first collaboration on this Project with a photo shoot. You'll be seeing much more of that soon!
By the end of March, I became a secret emotional wreck. I wept. I tried so hard to be positive and let myself believe that things are not always going to be this way, but it was so hard to live through. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. Even memories of my childhood then came to light where we were called 'The English ducks' because my mother is British and we didn't speak the same as every Guyanese person did because mum would correct us if our slang was too slang! She was the Head Teacher for the school we attended that the British Soldiers had built in our village. Now, in England, I'd get asked, 'where are you from? You have an accent'. And I'd respond with the truth because I'm so proud of where I was born and raised, but it still doesn't take away from the fact that people will always try to alienate you when you're different to them, or if they feel like they can't relate to you in that moment. It also doesn't take anything away from the truth that in society, my culture is less respected and represented. That wasn't something I wanted write about at this stage in my personal development. Though it's clearly a topic that must be addressed. I wanted to have a positive ending to all of my blogs, however, at that time, I didn't see it. I felt like there was a blockage to my emotional growth and that, in itself frustrated me beyond description. Sometimes it was almost laughable at the amount of times when I tried so hard in the the morning to affirm positive thoughts; it's a new day, I can start again. When the evening arrived I was disappointed, I lost myself again. The next day, I'd repeat the same mentality again, then the evening arrived and still no real changes. I felt heavy before bed and therefore woke up with a heaviness in the morning. I was taking the troubles of yesterday with me into my present day, and expected things to change. It's much deeper than that. My soul was begging the universe for a fresh start. Then there goes April...
When I tried to be perfect, I failed...