Updated: May 8, 2019
The Year To Self Discovery...
It's The First Day Of January 2019!
This year I've made a conscious decision to 'Date Myself' for Twelve Executive Months!
Let me explain why...
For as long as I've known myself to become involved with men, I have little recollection of my time spent exploring life without being in a relation of some sort. This lead me to the daunting conclusion at the end of 2018, that I truly suck at maintaining relationships. Still, I've always allowed myself to believe that it's much harder being single.
Truth is, I attract a lot of attention as I'm sure many of you can relate. Therefore I've always thought it was easier to say to anyone 'I'm in a relationship'. A lot of men, I found, would respect that and respond with ,'Well he's a very lucky man' and kept it moving, which I respected. However on occasion there were the cockroaches that tried to challenge me with, 'Does he treat you right though?' Or 'So, that don't mean we can't be friends' or the classic 'But are you married?'. Honestly, I've heard it all, but the guys who respectfully backed away leaving a lady with a compliment, I commend. As for the cockroaches with an excessive amount of audacity, you really should consider your options on how to walk away with dignity when she's really not that into you. She might be nice about turning you down, but don't make her snap! Approach is everything! Says the girl who is ready to own her womanhood!
The best part of being in a relationship for me was just not having to have to be single; not having to have to do things alone. Experiencing things for the first time and having someone there with me to witness, I think its beautiful. Having someone to speak to and sharing a bond with that I felt was tied with just our love and respect for each other. I'd answer to them as much as they would answer to me. I loved the shared ownership of each other. A good sexual drive was compulsory also, but overrated if my mind wasn't enthralled by the density of his. I needed adventure, spunk, wit, pleasure but most meaningfully, I wanted him to be my escape from a world that I felt trapped in; my world. I gave as good as I received, though that was sometimes misconstrued.
I also enjoyed the attention that I received whilst being in a relationship. Whenever I turned down what could have been a potential new excitement with someone else, I felt that my loyalty had grown somewhat. Eulogizing my loyalty is frail if it has not been challenged. I delighted myself in challenges, however my honesty about it would sometimes result in my own detriment. I respect loyalty, unfortunately it took me until now at the age of twenty eight to realize that the loyalty I thought I had so strong was never for myself. I challenged my loyalty for others oblivious to the fact that in doing so, I was becoming disloyal to myself. I was really challenging the lack of freedom I felt between who I am, and how I wanted others to perceive me.
As time passed and I matured into new relations, I felt that I was finally starting to narrow down my choices to what it was that I really wanted. The thing is once I started dating, I went in head on, which most of the times left me with a head injury as if I walked right into a brick wall. I've always carried the mentality that you're either in, or you're out. There's no in-between. It's just black and white. Growing away from this frame of mind is what lead to the development of the meaning 'Grey'. The bridge between in and out, the color that blends black and white; the concept behind certainty and uncertainty.
Some relationships were doomed to fail from the beginning. I saw the signs (I believe we all do), but I ignored them because the idea of what I wanted was standing right before me- pursuing me. However the reality of our connection took a spiritual drive - straight into that brick wall, again. I have dated people from a variety of backgrounds. I loved the differences and similarities in cultures and beliefs. I enjoyed being a respectful blend of it all. There were times that I felt alienated yet familiar in certain circumstances, so I adapted and soon felt like 'home'. I created the world that I lived in; although it was on a scale that was much smaller than I believed I was capable of creating.
So here we are in the month of new beginnings! I'm going to increase the size of my world by stepping into reality for myself. To kick start this commitment, I made absolutely no plans for the New Year's Eve. I stayed indoors last night to be with my son. I am challenging myself to see how much I can accomplish for myself without the penetrable sexual distractions of male interest. They do cloud your mind and judgement whether you want accept it or not!
I really don't know if I can actually last a whole year without even going on a date, I love the feeling of being wined and dined. But there are ways around that! Or how I'm going to last without sex considering my sexy has already been activated. There are ways around that too! Besides, I already know exactly what I'll be missing, so there's no point in yearning for something that you know is dormant! I have no self discipline on my best day, yet alone when that moment sneaks up on me to give it a go -or him! I tend to do what I want, and I have a very good skill at making excuses for myself to justify mishaps. The next twelve months is going to be very interesting and I am willing to do it publicly because I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I have personally spoken to a multiple of women and men about this topic who varied in ages and judging from the majority of responses, it seems like a tedious journey for me to try and endure. Some people are actually scared of being alone! What?! I have some of my best times being alone. I'd have a drink all by my myself dressed in a t-shirt (that's my thing) play music and sing to the top of my croaking lungs; dancing in front of the mirror like it's no one's business but mine! I'd deal with the neighbors by pretending their just not there. Periodt! When faced with the question 'So what are you going to do about sex?' Pardon? Well excuse the phuck out of me! Both figuratively and literally. I'm teaching myself backwards, but sometimes this is what needs to be done when all of your life you've only succumbed to what you've been taught or heard. However what I felt and saw, contradicted these teachings and I want to explore that. This may very well be the year of my personal freedom, or if it isn't, well you will also learn what not to do from the contents of my honest writing.
Having to have to let go of relationships (family, lovers, friends- any kind of relation), as well as memories from the past that calls for me to relive so easily, my mind and heart still feels uncoordinated. There's a lot of what if's but its a phase...we all have those. That phase is a thought-process. Leave the actions where they happened, and that was yesteryear! Say Bye!
I don't actually know what it is like to be single, mentally. By this I mean, I've been in relationships where I've felt the exhaustion, the draining of the soul, the mind games. Even when those relationships had ended, the effect of it still weighed on me mentally. So the next person I met, instead of getting to know them with an open mind, I already narrowed down answers for them due to the last failed relation. It's a cycle. I know there are women out there that has been single for a while by choice, I commend you too! I don't want to just 'get on with it', I want to explore it. Explore me, explore the world from the kind of mind that had unfortunate experiences, as well as beautiful ones and I'm still willing to learn more- to free my mind from the mental slavery of relations that took more from me than I received. This time, its particularly exciting because I'm the one that I'm now getting to know, my effort is being made for me...This should be fun! This year I'm doing every damn thing that I felt I couldn't do because I limited myself to someone else's perspective of what freedom should be for me!
Food for thought!
Have you ever stood in front of the mirror, fully naked and just starred at yourself? I have. Could you tell yourself that you loved yourself even through all the flaws you see? I stumbled. Did you know that your flaws are a reflection of your thoughts about yourself? I did, but I couldn't help but look at myself through the eyes of someone else -how I perceived them to see me. Sometimes the closer I get to the mirror, I'd feel a deep cut of regret. I couldn't say to the woman looking back at me two simple words 'I'm sorry', though I am. We tend to hurt people that love us, and love the people who hurt us. Do you ever feel your soul, your true self trying to love you but in return you keep falling for the idea of who you think you need to be? That's a daily struggle for me, but its about to be faced.
For the next month, I want to be able to accomplish this...
I want to stand and face myself. I really must be a powerful being if I can't even bare to look at myself in naked truth! Your eyes are the windows to your soul. That would be my first accomplishment and the beginning of a positive new start. I will stand in front of that mirror, even if my heart is beating out of my chest, butt naked and apologize to myself.
I am so sorry for not loving you in the ways that I should have been. I'm sorry that I passed on the responsibility of caring for you to someone else, again and again. I'm sorry that I was too blinded by my love for attention from others that I forgot about the love and attention that you can give me. I'm sorry for not believing in you and I belittled you even more when you were at your lowest. I had all of my life to spend time with you yet I never gave it to you with love and appreciation. I let my mind only see you through the eyes of the world, so I covered your soul with my insecurities. I made your vision become selective, to see only the negatives in your appearance and the beauty in others. Its sad, but its true. I am sorry that I forced you to keep a smile on your face knowing fully well that on the inside you were breaking. I'm sorry that I abused you and took advantage of your strength and weaknesses. I'm sorry that I made you lie, again and again to yourself. I will now only be truthful with you and we will figure this out together. In the original format of our being. We are the first team and we will be the last, until the day we die and my soul is lifted.
By the end of January, I want to feel reassured by non other but myself. This body is a beautiful vessel that is carrying a much more beautiful soul. All we need is a little more love for ourselves and a little less stress to feel truly blessed.
As I am reflecting and preparing myself for the months ahead, I want to leave you with this...
On the first of every month, I will publish a post in relation to Self Discovery- this year's goal. I also have some exciting videos coming soon which will also entail live discussions with my ladies! I want to set up a foundation where we can speak our individual truths, own it and encourage others to do the same.
The Lala Grey Foundation is based on the truth of our individual experiences and how we come together to communicate and achieve success in togetherness.
In future, I intend to expand this foundation into building a theatrical community center for the underprivileged in my home town (Guyana, South America). We were born creators and I am extremely passionate about highlighting that aspect and finding a way to encourage growth through my own creativity. Through doing this I can set up scholarships and support for young people from my community to be able to reach further and follow their dreams. It only starts with a vision. Had it not been for my mother being a British Citizen, I would have never had the opportunity to have the kind of exposure I have here in the United Kingdom. I believe the best way for me to begin this accomplishment is to face my vulnerability by speaking my truth brazenly. I will make the first move and lead by example. You have my word that I will be honest with you, but you must also know, that this is my journey that I am choosing to share with you. I will do this at the pace that I feel is suitable for me. I won't respond to demands or peer pressure, however, I am always willing to listen to your opinions. This is something that I will also encourage to every one throughout this whole project.
To conclude, I want to wish each and everyone of you a Happy New Year! I'm making a toast to celebrating yourself, no matter who you are! Have a glass for the people who brings out the best in you, who aren't judging you because you lack in something that they've gained, to the ones who see's the potential in you and aren't afraid to call you out when they know you could do better. To the friends that stood beside you through thick and thin, even when you went through those dark moments and shut everyone out, they still came to look for you when you wanted to hide from the world. Celebrate your family, the ones that are blood and act like it and the ones that you chose to be your family! Cheers to the fact that we are still alive, and the fact that we can witness another day, no matter how unfortunate we feel, we woke up with another opportunity to make a change; to create exactly what we want out of this life. It ain't a bed of roses, but it's a bed; so plant your seed! What ever you embrace throughout this year, I hope you do it with the intention to learn. The best leaders are passionate learners.
Love and Light to you all,
'I remember I was sat in my counselling session, tears streaming down my face and I could barely speak through my emotions. I was talking about my darkest thoughts and things that lead me to feeling addicted to alcohol. My counselor asked me, "Well every time you want a drink, why not make a cup of tea instead?" I looked up at him with eyes blood red and responded simply, 'A cup of tea doesn't hurt'. The words left my mouth before my brain had even processed his question properly and it was in that moment that I knew... It wasn't alcohol that I was addicted to, it was pain...'
REASONS FOR ADDICTION will be the topic of February's post. Subscribe to be the first to see it, and comment...talk to me.